My microwave oven died last night
And the end of my Crock Pot's in sight.
And now I'm out of laundry detergent
To add to my sorry lament.
There's a nick in my porceline Porky Pig.
It happened when I tried to jury-rig,
While trying will all my muster,
To repair my trusty Dust Buster.
My sofa is preserved in clear vinyl
Safe from those stains that are final.
It's sturdy and tough and its shiny
But I hate when it sticks to my heiny.
What a lovely aroma of vintage carpet dust.
I don't really want to but I suppose I must,
And do it without any further fuss,
Harvest my Hoover Upright Deluxe.
Where did I put down that Windex
I used to shine all the knick knacks?
Over there by the door...
Holy cow! It's past four!
I have to get dressed
For my guests.

Coming and Going

When I was young and knew who I was
(Before my grey matter turned to pink fuzz)
I knew all the tricks and I knew all the ways
To play all the games the smart monkeys played.

I knew where to look and I knew where to aim
And I knew that all targets looked just the same.
I knew there were liars and I knew there were fools
I just didn't know they made all the rules.

I knew what was bad and I knew what was good
I knew when to duck and when to knock wood.
I no longer duck (or knock wood anymore
Because when I do, I answer the door.)

I keep getting older because there's no choice.
Everything cracks, bones brain and voice.
But if I lived seven lifetimes I still won't know why
Those God damned smart monkeys told me such lies.

---

_Squirrel Bait_

Change your mind.
Let someone else do
Your driving
Your choices
Your dishes
Your 'do.
Let an abbreviation be your friend.
RSVP
ASAP
A/S/L
BYOB
This is what happens
When you think too long
On where you last saw
Your argyll socks.

Tell a lie about
Your age
Your weight
Your job
Your IQ.
Use an excuse.
The dog ate
Your homework
Your Visa payment
Your tip
Your marital status.
Dreams can be your friend.
Barney with an erection
Looking for a condom.
Do not go naked
Into that dream.

Try to look innocent and
Smile sheepishly
Speak confidently
Affect humility
Blame someone else.
Take advantage of
An offer
An opportunity
A bargain
A bank error.
Never confuse gravity
For inertia.
And never insert
A Q-tip in your ear canal.

RadioFlyer
September, 2002

---

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